J.D.: Why can't Carla just let this go?
Elliot: Wouldn't you be mad if you caught your husband talking to his ex-girlfriend?
J.D.: Yeah, but... mostly because I had a husband.
Dr. Cox: You, my friend, look so damn leathery I'm honestly tempted to wrap ya around a baseball, synch ya up with a belt, and stick ya under my mattress so that you're good and broken in for the big game on Sunday. Buut, since I'm here to heal not judge, I'm gonna go ahead and write you a couple of prescriptions. You'll find that this first one is for an extra large mallet to help ya pound some sense into yourself. The second one is for a big floppy hat that you're now to wear every single time ya leave the house. Have a great day, ya look like a purse!
Dr. Kelso: Perry, I am sick and tired of listening to people complain about being called fatties, dummies, boozers, losers, winos, tubbos, tokers, smokers, and jamokers. Whatever the hell jamokers means.
Dr. Cox: I was actually saying jokers and I had coffee cake in my mouth.
Dr. Kelso: Bottom line, unlike my masseuse Freedy, you're not pretty enough to be this rough. Work on your bedside manner.
Elliot: What is going on with Turk? He doesn't seem that bumped out.
J.D.: I uplifted his spirits.
Elliot: How did you do that? Because Carla is just bottomin' out man. I mean I'm not even supposed to be here at work today, I just came to use the bathroom because she keeps violating The Rule.
J.D.: Quiet on the crapper?
Elliot: Yeah! It's like she just stores everything up until my cheeks hit the seat! She thinks she's exempt from the rule! Nobody is exempt from The Rule, J.D.
J.D.: Okay, shhh, it's okay. I'll never talk to you on the crapper. Okay.
Dr. Kelso: Now! Where do we keep the sick people? Hello Miss Goldman! I'm your doctor.
Miss Goldman: Don't you mean my doctor's great, great, great, great grandfather? You're old!
Dr. Kelso: Yeah, I got that.
Miss Goldman: Why am I paying you to tell me things I've already figured out on my own?
Dr. Kelso: Maybe because I graduated first in my class at Stanford in 1972?
Miss Goldman: You graduated twelfth in your class in 1968.
Laverne: She googled your ass.
Dr. Kelso: Laverne, I am not interested in your street lingo. What I am interested in is where she found that magic phone that keeps making me look like an idiot!
Miss Goldman: What if it's too hard?
Turk: Yeah, what if it's too hard?
Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, I have no idea why you're chiming in, but I'll say this to both of you. Nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy.